hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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