Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
