She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
