for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
