Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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