Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
