It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
