Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize