I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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