This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
