I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
