More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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