you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
