you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
