Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
