also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
