He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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