How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
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I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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