I can tuck mytits in my pants
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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