Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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