i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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