all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
