I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
