Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
