Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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