My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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