i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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