So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
