Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
