I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
