Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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