just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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