At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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