oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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