So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
