Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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