Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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