Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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