Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
