I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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