meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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