There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
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Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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