Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
