I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
