she was so not down for the gang bang
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
