I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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