Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You were trust falling into bushes
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