I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
