The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
