Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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