I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
