By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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