Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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