so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
