So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
